The Adventures Of Tidus and Auron
by Insert-Blank
Summary: Auron tries to get the ever whinny Tidus to and from Blitzball matches without... too much trouble. An experiment in humor. Contains some adult language.


Back by (sort of) popular demand, I give you my second fic, this time about Final Fantasy 10, and this time, very much a comedy. I present... 

The Adventures of Tidus and Auron

InsertBlank

Another day in Zanarkand. Another day of watching over the boy. Another day of living for Jecht instead of himself. Auron took a long drink from his hip flask, this was going to be another long day.

"Heeeeey Auron!" That voice. That voice, like nails on a chalkboard, grating his nerves until he was a bomb ready to explode. Tidus.

"Auuuuuuuuron!" If he did that one more time...

"I'm talking to yoooooooooou, Auron."

That was the last straw.

"Will you shut the fuck up you little crap?" Auron screamed, startling several passerbyers. A young mother gave him a death glare and ushered her toddler away from them.

"I wasn't sure if you saw me..." Tidus offered as justification, pushing dirt around with the toe of his shoe.

"I saw you. Oh god, no stop crying. Tidus, stop...oh god, no stop. This isn't what it looks like. Someone help me..." Tidus began sobbing uncontrollably, causing many more passerbyers to look at the pair with concern, before quickly stepping around them.

Why me? This was not the first time Auron asked himself this question. Why did Jecht have to send him here to watch his only son? More importantly, why did his only son have to be such a little bitch?

"Hey, come on, stop that. Let's go get a pretzel."

"Pretzels? I love pretzels! Yay! Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzels!" Tidus cheered the entire way to the pretzel stand.

The pretzel vendor gave Auron a look of pity as he handed over the pretzels. Auron handed him a few gil and walked away with the obnoxiously optimistic Tidus in tow.

As they walked towards the Blitzball stadium, Auron remembered his old life, the life he left behind. The life in Spira, where Zanarkand was a legend, where he was an outcast turned hero, where have had a good life. Instead, he was here, in Zanarkand, dead. How had it all happened? How had everything been ruined so badly? He wanted to blame Jecht but couldn't really, he was, after all, one of the best friends Auron had ever had. Not to mention it was the man's dying wish. How could he deny him that? But had Auron known what Tidus was like... he would have still came to honor his dying friend. Probably.

"Auron..." His voice was quiet, sheepish, so unlike Tidus.

"What?" Auron's was rough and strained, as if he had been driven to wit's end, which he had.

"I need to use the bathroom..."

"Are you serious? We just left the park, there aren't any bathrooms. Why didn't you go then?"

"I didn't have to go then." His tone was one of childish innocence, as if that were a perfectly plausible excuse for his behavior. What else was he going to do?

"Let's go back..."

"Thanks Auron!"

Back to the park. Why wasn't life ever easy? Could life be easy with Tidus? No, probably not. Auron needed more sake.

Waiting outside the bathroom for Tidus, Auron noticed a shapely woman guiding a toddler towards the bathroom. As nonchalantly as possible, Auron attempted to tidy himself, brushing a hand through his salt and pepper hair. As she walked up, guiding her child towards the men's room, Auron pushed his sunglasses up on his nose.

"How old is yours?" The woman asked Auron casually.

"My what?"

"Your child," she laughed. She had a very nice laugh.

"Oh, well he isn't mine...I'm...taking care of him for a friend." Auron struggled to explain.

"Isn't that sweet?"

"It was his dying wish," Auron explained.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, poor boy..." She looked quite upset, "How is he handling it?"

"Very well, all things considered." Tidus had jumped up and down in joy for a week when Auron first came and told him of his father's death. Jecht's wife had hit on him. What a fucked up family.

"And his poor wife, how is she?"

"Last I heard she was on a singles cruise."

The woman laughed. "That's horrible!"

"It's true." She laughed even more.

"My name is Sharon, what's yours?"

"Auron."

"Look, here's my phone number, if you get a chance, give me a call sometime." Score.

Suddenly, since nothing good could ever happen, Shannon's toddler came running out of the bathroom crying. She scooped him up, "What's wrong honey?"

"There's a... a... a... poop monster!" The boys gasped out between sobs.

Auron felt everything he had worked for slide away. Why did nothing ever go right?

Shannon led the boy away without giving Auron her phone number. She gave him a look that said "What can I do?"

"Auuuuuuuuron!" Here we go again.

Auron stepped out of the oven and into the fire.

If what had happened outside was a disaster, what had happened inside was a tragedy. There was only one stall still standing, the rest were scattered about the floor as if a bomb had gone off. Shit covered every surface from walls to windows to doors. Toilet paper was strewn about, like a wet confetti. The room was in shambles.

And at the center of it all, was Tidus. Tidus was sitting at what looked to be ground zero. Shit covered his hands, hair, and face. His clothes were soaked and covered in toilet paper.

Auron was speechless. How? Why? Nothing would come out.

Tidus grinned sheepishly.

"How?"

"I was just sitting here, minding my own business, and suddenly someone dumped water onto me. All the toilet paper got soaked and I couldn't use it. I tried to go to another stall and get more, but I tripped over my pants and landed face first. The stall fell around me and brought the others down around me. I was so scared. When the stalls fell, some of the toilets broke and started pouring water everywhere, Some of the water wasn't clean, I got soaked with pee and poo while I was trying to get up, but the floor was really slippery so I ended up in the toilet. Then there was poo in my hair, so I tried to wipe it off with my fingers.

"This... I've... why?" was all Auron could muster.

Outside Auron could here sirens. Someone had called the cops, but why?

"Tidus, we will talk about this later, but right now we need to leave.

Auron took him to the sink and tried his best to wash some of the shit out of his hair before they made their escape. After doing the best he could, Auron led Tidus out of the bathroom as quickly and silently as possible, hoping not to arouse any suspicion.

For once, luck was with him as he and Tidus ran out of the park without catching any unwanted attention. However, as soon as they left the park...

"Hey, it's Tidus!" Ten children ran up around them begging for autographs of their star Blitzball player. Tidus was more than happy to oblige them. When he was finished and began handing out the autographs, the children looked at him oddly.

"Mr. Tidus... what is this brown stuff on the paper?"

"Oh shit," moaned Auron.

"Yeah, that's what it is!" One of the kids exclaimed.

"Why'd you do that Mr. Tidus?" Another asked, with tears in his eyes.

"You're a meanie!" cried yet another.

The group of kids ran away, most with tears in their eyes at being harassed by their hero.

Tidus also began to cry. "Why would someone do this, Auron?"

"I don't know..." Finally, a chance to do what he had told Jecht he would. Finally he was a guardian again. "But we're going to find out who did it, and why."

Tidus looked up, wiping away the tears, "Really?"

"Yes. But first we need top get you to the stadium, you have a match today." Auron sniffed the air. "Gah! First we need to get you cleaned up, you smell like shit."

To Be Continued...

Justification:

This story began as a summer camp tale a friend of mine told to keep us entertained. Since I first heard the story three years ago, it has undergone a few changes. Many people will ask, "But why is Tidus acting like a six year old princess?" The answer is simple, because Tidus is a whinny brat and I am over exaggerating that point. This is purely an experiment and any and all feedback would be appreciated. I understand a lot of you are wondering why there are so many poop jokes, this part of the story was not created by me, but was intergral to the rest of it, so I have left it in. I hope those of you who, like me, are sick of the poop joke, can appreciate the rest of the work, and Auron's character. Also, anyone who has something they'd like to see in this series, as it is almost essentially plotless and completely unplanned, is welcome to submit their own ideas, which I will do my best to incorporate. Thank you for your time.

-InsertBlank

P.S.- Any grammatical errors I appoligize for, please alert me to them.


End file.
